Good Grief
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
April 1, 2023
All of us have experienced various losses throughout our lives. We may feel a sense of loss after losing a job, a relationship, a sentimental object, or a dream. Losing a loved one to death is a painful loss, but one that is an inevitable part of reality. Unfortunately, many in our society feel uncomfortable addressing it.
Few things are less comforting after a death than to hear, ‘It’s for the best’, ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle’, or ‘Time heals all wounds’. People simply don’t know what to say. Well-meaning as they may be, these platitudes do nothing to alleviate the pain of grief. Sometimes it’s a good idea to remind others that it’s okay to say the deceased person’s name. When you are ready, you might even want to talk about the good memories with them. It’s also okay to ask for space or a distraction.
Each person grieves differently and each loss affects us in a unique way. I have experienced many losses throughout my life and no two grieving experiences have been the same. The sudden and unexpected losses hit us a little differently than the expected ones, but all grief is painful. I have advised individual clients to give themselves grace in the grieving process. Couples, too, need to set aside expectations on how each partner is supposed to handle the loss. There is no one right way to grieve.
After someone passes away, it is normal to experience intense emotions. The sadness may even feel physical. Typically, these feelings tend to fade over time, but it’s not an even or steady decrease. In fact, meaningful dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays can elicit some of the same intensity all over again.
Grief does tend to come in waves though. At first, those powerful feelings of sadness, yearning, or anger seem like the whole ocean is crashing down around you and it’s hard to breathe. Eventually the waves spread out a bit and you find yourself able to pop your head up above water to look around. And after a few years, you may even notice that you can smile when remembering your loved one.
But what to do during those first weeks and months, when it’s hard to even want to eat or sleep? First of all, remember not to judge yourself. Personally and professionally I’ve noticed that a practice of self-compassion can be extremely helpful. Remember to acknowledge that this is a hard process and that you are not alone. Then, speak to yourself as you would a dear friend.
In the normal process of grieving, we tend to oscillate back and forth between focusing on the loss and focusing on the future. As I mentioned, this isn’t a neat, linear process. At times, you may share the pain of your loss with friends and family, learning to place the experience of the deceased in your past, and come to terms with what it means to move on. Other times, you may find yourself making plans, distracting yourself in healthy ways, engaging in work or family activities, and accepting the reality of your everyday experience. Then, after some time of bouncing back and forth between letting go and moving forward, you will finally integrate the memory of your loved one into a new and different reality. Some refer to this as their ‘new normal’.
Some people get stuck in the past and have difficulty moving forward. At those times, talking to a grief counselor or joining a grief group can be helpful. It’s nice to have someone sit with you in an understanding way and not judge your experience. Therapy is a good place to explore continuing feelings of disbelief, regret, yearning, or anger. Journaling, rituals, and even creating a memory box may also be healthy.
Coming to terms with loss is an unavoidable process we must all face at some time. The tasks of grief are to accept that the loss has happened, experience the pain, learn to adjust to the ‘new normal’, and look forward to a different future filled with purpose and meaning.
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.
~John 11:33
Photo credits: Roman Kraft on Unsplash
