Connecting with Kids
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
March 1, 2023
I just had a minor disagreement with my youngest son about his cell phone usage. Although I didn’t handle the situation perfectly, I did manage to keep my cool and hold my ground. It wasn’t always this way. I used to blow up at my kids. That is, until I decided to do my own work. This involved addressing anger, identifying my underlying elusive emotions, and a daily practice of mindfulness. My husband and I took parenting classes, read books, and eventually figured out a way to communicate more effectively, but it didn’t happen overnight. Here are a few of the tools and approaches we’ve found helpful:
Engage with Empathy
Dr. Dan Seigel calls this approach connecting ‘right-brain-to-right-brain’. Let’s go back to the situation with my son and his phone. He was upset and on the defense. If I tried to immediately engage him with left-brain logic, he wouldn’t have been able to hear me. That’s because whether we’re being chased by a bear or our prized possession is being threatened, we tend to experience neurobiological symptoms of flooding. We typically want to fight, flee, or freeze. Nowhere in there is any space to listen and take another person’s perspective.
Once I’ve calmed myself, I usually try to guide my kids to identify their emotions and underlying needs, then communicate those feelings and needs without accusing each other (or their parents).
Listen Lovingly
There are few greater gifts that we can give to another human being than to listen with our whole attention. Thinking back to my favorite teachers and professors, the ones who I respected the most, they had one thing in common: they listened. They cared enough to set aside distractions and make me feel truly seen. I can’t be my kids’ therapist. I have to be their mom. But there are some areas that overlap, and intentional listening is one of them. This is the opposite of our natural inclination as parents to jump into what I call ‘fix it’ mode.
Oftentimes, when one of my kids is upset and having a hard time finding the right words, he’ll give me just a little snippet of what’s going on inside his mind. So I’ll gently say, “Tell me more,” or ask how long he’s been feeling that way. Then I’ll sit quietly and wait. I acknowledge that it’s sometimes difficult to be patient, especially in the hectic days in which we live. But it’s important, and it’s one thing I regret not having learned sooner.
Sit Side-by-Side
Eye contact is given a great deal of weight in Western cultures. However, I’ve found that staring a kiddo right in the face can sometimes be perceived as rather intimidating. If I want my teen to feel comfortable with me, I’ll suggest a drive or a walk. There’s something almost magical about having that pressure taken off that allows kids to just open up!
Listening conveys that you think the other person is worthy of your time and attention. It’s also more likely that a child who feels nurtured, seen, and respected will want to listen when you have something to say.
Relegate Responsibility
Beginning at a young age, kiddos are capable of taking on some responsibility. Many parents tend to fall into one of two parenting styles: either acting as an overprotective hovering helicopter or an overly authoritarian drill sergeant.
The Love and Logic parenting approach recommends a middle road. Yes, we lead with empathy and listen to convey consideration, but we also allow kids to make mistakes and learn from them. Giving choices, guiding children to solve problems, and coming alongside in consultant mode are just a few of the many tools that are used in this effective parenting style.
I am by no means finished learning all there is to know about parenting, but it is my hope that the few ideas I’ve shared here will be helpful in your parenting journey. I am also a firm believer that this journey should include parents doing their own work with a qualified therapist.
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ”
~Ephesians 4:15
Photo credit: Some Tale on Unsplash
