Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

January 15, 2025

In the days leading up to the New year, I often find myself feeling excited and anxious. The media tells me that I need to get my New’s Year’s Resolutions made and I take these goals very seriously. It is with these mixed emotions that I start to wonder about how I will change, or not, in the new year. Will I actually complete the resolutions I set out to complete?  Will I allow myself grace in the completion? 

In the past years I have set all sorts of goals for myself. One year I was determined to run a half marathon, one year I wanted to write a book, one year I decided I wanted to be the next great pie baker. So many years of dieting, exercising, book reading, recipe making goals that have been made and broken and sometimes completed. But still, every year is the same:  Will I finally create the resolution that somehow changes me for the better? And if/when I am changed for the better what will that even look like?

I often hear the same exact questions from my clients. What would it mean if they actually lost the weight? Stopped the addictive behaviors? Said no to toxic friends? Used boundaries with their family?  What would it mean if they actually did what they said they wanted to do? 

And when they don’t manage to achieve the goal what does it say about them? Does it mean that they are losers who have no will power, drive or determination? Does it mean that they are failures who will never have what they want in life and are stuck living with their own shame? For many, this can become their story.

As a therapist, I know the dangers of what can happen when we believe certain lies about ourselves. It becomes a pattern known as the Cognitive Triangle: My thoughts affect my feelings which affect my behaviors. If I believe that I am a failure, it will affect how I feel about myself which will affect how I behave in the world.

Here is an example of the cognitive triangle using a common New Year's Resolution:

On December 31, you make a goal to lose 10 pounds by June and feel excited about it. But 3 days into the new year, you eat your child’s leftover Christmas candy.

Your thoughts start up: “I always mess up. I can never lose weight because I have no willpower”. “I am worthless”, “I don’t deserve good things” “I am a loser” and ultimately, “I am unlovable”.

Then your feelings show up: After a few minutes of listening to your thoughts, you feel really bad about yourself. You become angry with your inability to “control” yourself and that anger turns to hateful feelings about yourself. That hate turns to sadness as you believe you will never be able to be loved.

Then your behavior begins: After listening to your negative thoughts and feeling badly about yourself, you are anxious and angry and lash out at your kids who innocently ask about their candy. You yell at your husband who is walking out the door and trying to get a hug goodbye (why would he love someone with no will power, you think?) and fume at your skinny neighbors who are on a power walk (Why do they have the willpower I don’t). Then, you reach into the pantry and grab the Oreos. You don’t have willpower anyway, right?  You may as well eat the cookies. By January 10 you have gained 2 pounds and the pattern continues.

How many times have we gotten ourselves stuck in these patterns? How many times do we continue this cycle that leads to nowhere?

To break the negative pattern is hard. It requires us to examine our thoughts and say no to the negative things. It requires us to be brave enough to challenge the lies that we are telling ourselves. And, sometimes, it requires reaching out to a therapist to help you on that path.

As you navigate this New Year and all the resolutions you have made for yourself. Keep in mind what you are telling yourself. Is it harmful or helpful? If it is helpful then continue on the path!  If it isn’t, start to trust yourself and what is true about you.

Photo by Slav Romanov on Unsplash

Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.