Ambiguous Loss
Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
December 1, 2024
“Something just doesn’t feel right. I feel like there was all this stuff we were supposed to do. And now? It’s like everything is gone”.
A client was recently lamenting her emotional state since her husband moved out and filed for divorce. She was expressing the feeling that many people have when something unexpectedly changes in their lives.
Other examples recently have been:
I was going to go on vacation, but then the hurricane came through. Now, I have nothing to look forward to
I was getting close to my new girlfriend and she just broke up with me out of the blue!
My husband lost his job, and I’m scared and angry.
My mom and dad are in a senior care center and getting older and can no longer care for themselves, and I don’t know what to do.
I had a miscarriage at 4 weeks and should be okay with it, but I cry all the time.
My child was just diagnosed with autism and won’t ever be “normal.”
That unsettling feeling you may be having is ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is loss without closure or clear understanding. This loss leaves a person searching for answers, but typically, answers cannot be found.
We typically think of loss in regard to the death of a loved one. When that happens, we grieve the tangible loss of the person we love. But what happens when the loss is something not so tangible? Are we still allowed to grieve? The answer is yes.
Grief emotions are typically sadness, anxiety, anger, depression, confusion, loneliness, and guilt. These emotions are also accompanied by physical responses in the body, such as headaches, lack of hunger, restlessness, sleep disturbances, and stomach pain. The symptoms of grief are present in ambiguous loss as well and can sometimes last longer than typical grief symptoms, as there is no real closure for what has been lost.
The losses we experience in life vary from great losses, such as the death of a loved one far away, to things as seemingly insignificant as being ghosted by someone you just met.
Yet, we cannot judge what is and is not significant to any one person. For the seemingly minor losses piled up all add to overwhelming losses at some point. And when we feel overwhelmed, grief symptoms start to manifest and can affect our daily lives.
If you find yourself struggling with these symptoms, know that there is hope. First and foremost, all feelings are valid when it comes to loss. Acknowledge what you have lost and let yourself take some time to truly grieve what was lost.
Here are a few steps to grieve the losses you have experienced:
Be open to listening to others and their experiences
Honor what you have lost
Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to feel for that loss. Instead of dismissing your loss as “not that important” or a “first-world problem,” think, “I really wish I could have _______.” Or “I really miss________”. Then, allow yourself to sit in that sadness for a moment and grieve.
Share your feelings and thoughts with someone you trust
Express your grief through creative outlets.
Have you ever wanted to paint? Write? Collage? Now is the time to try something new.
Find meaningful distractions.
Maybe it’s time to learn a new language or travel to a new destination
Participate in something that brings you joy
It is important to acknowledge that everyone grieves in their own unique ways. And while loss has or will affect every single human on the planet, each person is unique in their grief journey.
As you begin to embrace the losses, know you are not alone. By sharing our experiences, we become vulnerable to each other, and together, we can find new meaning from the losses we have endured.
Photo by Davidson Luna on Unsplash
Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.
