Be Still and Know
Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
February 1, 2025
I find myself once again standing at the kitchen sink and wondering why in the name of all that is good my husband cannot figure out that he needs to clean up the coffee grounds from his morning ritual. My thoughts turn first to irritation and then to anger. Why must I always be the one to rinse out the sink? To wipe off the counters?
And then I take a breath. That is, after all, what I tell my clients on the daily. “Breathe,” I say. “Inhale peace. Exhale all the to do lists, the anxious thoughts. Just breathe”. And as I exhale my annoyance I find myself letting go of this small thing. I inhale the goodness of the morning and remind myself that today is another day. A day where I get to choose my response to others. I get to choose how I act. I get to choose how I want this day to be.
Not so long ago, I felt stuck in the mind numbingly repetitious pattern of believing that I wasn’t okay if I wasn’t “DOING”. It felt like I had to keep everything perfect - my house had to be spotless, my kids had to be on track, my dog trained, my vegetable intake up, my workout planned - and I was exhausted. What would it mean if I let some things go? Would I be less qualified to be a mom/wife/therapist/human? Would God love me less? Would I love myself less?
Of course, reading those words I recognize how silly they sound, but in my constant need to “DO” I wasn’t allowing myself to just “BE”. I wasn’t sitting with my thoughts and being curious about why I was acting the way I was. I wasn’t allowing myself to question if I really had to do what I thought I had to do. I was becoming a slave to the DOING of life.
So I got busy learning how to be still, which was no small task. Here are some strategies I used to slow my need to DO.
Engage in a morning (or evening) ritual
For me, that means waking up slowly before others are awake. I allow myself to make coffee with my special creamer, sit on the back porch with my pup in all kinds of weather, and listen to the world waking up around me. I do this to set my intentions for the day. I remind myself that I get to choose how I respond to others and I get to choose what I need and want to focus on.
Allow others to take care of themselves
Instead of jumping in to help at every instance, back off and wait until someone actually asks for intervention (and then determine if you need to be the one to help). When I actually pulled back from being the one to “fix” I realized that others are far more capable than I thought they were.
Learn to be okay with not being perfect
This is a tough one (if you are a perfectionist, you get it). When I start to question my need to “DO”, I ask myself what it would mean to not do it. Would I survive? Would my family? Does my need to make my bed immediately after I get up or wash the dishes immediately after dinner help me or hurt me? Are my relationships suffering from my need to DO?
More often than not, the answer is WAIT. Wait and enjoy the morning ritual I have created to jump into the mundane house tasks. Wait and enjoy the conversation at dinner before cleaning. Wait until the pull of perfection quiets and I can enjoy being still in the moment. Wait and enjoy all the amazing qualities of my husband and allow him to rinse out the sink before I jump in.
Learning to be still has been one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I have ever worked on. It is when I am still that I can fully engage in choosing joy - and that has made all the difference in my relationship with self and others.
Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10
Photo by Christian Bass on Unsplash
Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.
