Elusive Emotions
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
August 27, 2020
Emotions serve a number of purposes. Although they are transient and ever-changing, feelings can help us identify needs and values, connect with other humans, and even make logical decisions.
Logic? Oh yes! Logic and emotion are not on opposite teams. In fact, scientists have discovered that if someone suffers from an injury to the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) it actually impacts that person’s ability to even decide what to eat for breakfast!
Despite societal messaging, men and women have access to all of the same emotions. There is some discord among psychological professionals as to which are in the list of ‘core’ emotions, but generally speaking, they include: mad, sad, glad, afraid, disgusted, and surprised. They get more nuanced from there, but that’s a good starting lineup.
We humans tend to struggle with feelings in a variety of ways. Sometimes, we stuff our emotions only to have them come out in unhealthy ways or at inconvenient times in the form of unhelpful behaviors. Other times, we might completely disconnect from what we’re feeling. And sometimes, we can only identify one primary emotion that feels safe enough to express (usually anger).
Whatever your particular struggle, there are some concrete ways to make peace with these emotions that can at times seem overwhelming, and instead use them for their intended purposes.
Step 1: Become Aware
It can be hard to identify emotions, especially when we get ‘stuck in our heads’. At times like those, it helps to check in with your body. Doing a quick body scan can elicit some information. Lindsay Braman has developed a handy Emotion-Sensation Wheel that I find useful. For example, if you’re looking down, shoulders slumped, and have a lump in your throat, there may be some sadness. If your shoulders are tense, stomach is churning, and hands are sweating, that could indicate you’re feeling fearful or anxious in that moment. Just find the general feeling and then get more specific until you land on one that fits.
Step 2: Acknowledge Them
From there, you can ‘name it to tame it’. Name what you are feeling in the moment. You can try saying to yourself, “I’m feeling ______ right now”. For those of us who grew up without having our feelings acknowledged, this can be hard but very healing.
Step 3: Allow Them to Be
This step can be like a soothing balm to our souls. To just allow your feelings to be, to exist, without judgement or trying to change them is so fruitful. Acknowledge the courage it takes to just sit mindfully with whatever comes up without trying to ‘fix it’ or change it. Just be.
Step 4: Identify the Underlying Needs (Note: do not skip step 3)
If what comes up is a difficult feeling, try naming an opposite emotion. If I’m feeling sad, for example, I can ask myself, “What would bring me a little joy?”. If I’m feeling tense or stressed or stuck, I can think of things that might bring a sense of peace or calm or relief. Try it! In many cases, you will be surprised at how you can do something right then to feel better.
Step 5: Express Them
Even if you were able to meet your own needs after following steps 1-4, telling a safe person how you felt can be wonderful! Trusted people in our lives can also help meet some of those needs. Expressing emotions and needs, in a gentle way, can make this easier for our people. Researchers at the Gottman Institute call this the Softened Startup.
If you are struggling with finding your feelings or expressing your emotions, a qualified therapist can help. This, for me, has been one of the most rewarding aspects of my job!
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
~Proverbs 16:24
Photo credit: Tengyart on Unsplash
