Find & Feel — Define & Heal
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
April 1, 2024
My own therapist recently recommended that I journal my feelings. Ah, how familiar that advice sounded! I’ve frequently recommended the same practice to my own clients. But why? What purpose do emotions serve, and why is it so important to be aware of them?
In my August 2022 blog, Elusive Emotions, I talked about the purposes of emotions, how they are linked to logic, and what to do with them in general. Remembering that emotions aren’t permanent makes finding and feeling them a lot easier.
Find & Feel Your Emotions
That sounds rather redundant, right? What else can I do with my emotions other than feel them? Ah, well…many people, myself included, sometimes tend to deny, stuff, rationalize, judge, criticize, and/or ignore what they are feeling.
The emotional center of the brain is the limbic system; it’s in the center of our skulls. It is connected to the cerebral cortex, where all of the thinking takes place. This connection has a great role to play in decision-making, determining values, problem-solving, and other cognitive processes. But, at the heart of feeling is just that… feeling. To really identify what emotion you are experiencing, you need to shut off the mental chatter temporarily and just pay attention to your body without judgment.
Define & Distinguish
Many of us grew up in families who were dismissive of emotions, and some may have went so far as to conceptualize being “emotional” as equivalent to weakness. Scientists discovered in the late 1980s that possessing emotional intelligence (otherwise known as EQ or EI) is actually a great strength. Drs. John Mayer and Peter Salovey of Yale University discovered
EI consists of four basic skills:
Accurately identifying others’ emotions as well as one’s own
Understanding emotional vocabulary & relationships between feelings
Managing emotions (one’s own and helping others)
Using emotions in problem-solving & decision-making
The ability to precisely label our specific emotions and distinguish the intensity of what we are feeling in the moment is known as emotional granularity. An example of this would be the difference between me observing something I don’t like and telling myself that I’m mildly irritated (in which case I’m likely to overlook a perceived injustice) versus labeling my emotion as volcanic rage (which would cue my brain & body that a bigger response is needed).
This is a skill that can be honed. And there are a number of benefits in learning how to do it better. Researchers found in 2015 that people who could define the nuance of distressing emotions while feeling them were a lot less likely to engage in behaviors such as angry outbursts, binge drinking, or self-harm.
Heal with Heart
It is important that we neither assign too much nor too little meaning to our emotions. What we feel is absolutely real, but it takes daily practice to master emotional intelligence.
Personally, the skill of emotional granularity is one I’m still learning. But as I continue to make a habit of taking a pause, checking in with my body, consulting my many feelings charts, and journaling, my emotional vocabulary grows, and as it does, so does my ability to notice and name them in the moment, as well as to notice and empathetically respond to the feelings of others.
Noticing the nuances, naming them, and communicating calmly leads to healthier relationships. Healthier relationships (with ourselves and others) improve our ability to engage in inner healing. If you need help growing your emotional skill set, there are qualified counselors who can help.
‘[Jesus] looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.’
~Mark 3:5
Photo credit: Vardan Papikyan on Unsplash
Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT 120259
