Digging Deeper
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
March 1, 2024
After doing the work for some time, many of my clients will report that they are feeling better in one area of their lives or another – perhaps fewer depressive symptoms, better sleep, or an improved ability to communicate with loved ones. And sometimes, after a big breakthrough, a person may tend to experience a little setback. That’s normal. That’s also the time to dig deeper.
First Things First
The most important thing to remember after a setback is to give yourself grace and calm, curious compassion. Personally, this is when my Inner Critic wants to take over again. But this is exactly the time to remember to lead with curiosity and let the calm Self ‘drive the bus.’ When I’m in that place of calm curiosity, that’s when I’m ready to start gently noticing.
Notice the Negative
This seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, after a big breakthrough, why would we want to go back and notice what’s still negative? The reason is that, by this time in therapy, clients will have learned some really good self-regulation skills and can practice mindfulness (which is just noticing without judgment). So now that the negative thoughts are happening less, when they do arise, clients can start to see the link of how those thoughts affect them emotionally. That leaves room to take the next step.
Name It to Tame It
Sometimes, just saying aloud what we are feeling can be very empowering. According to Dr. Dan Seigel, labeling our most difficult emotions, especially if we pair them with deep breathing, can elicit a calming effect on our brains and bodies, which helps us feel more in control. For example, we can name when we are sad, tense, angry, or triggered. I don’t know about you but once I’ve calmed down, that’s when I’m ready to go on a fact-finding mission.
Find the Facts
Ruminating on negative thoughts is a big contributor to making us feel depressed or anxious. But if we can manage our emotions long enough to stay open, reality can present itself. For example, if a car cuts me off in traffic, I can choose to take it personally, or I can remind myself that the driver isn’t cutting me off but merely cutting off a random car. Just like naming my emotions, I can gently bring awareness and restructure my thoughts. For example:
“Oh, that’s just my Inner Critic showing up with the ‘should’ language again – I’d rather show compassion instead of becoming judgmental.”
“Hey, I just noticed myself catastrophizing -I’d rather focus on the real likelihood that I can handle what happens rather than letting anxiety take over.”
“Aha, I recognize that old Negative Core Belief popping up-I know it’s not true even though it felt like it in the moment-I’m just going to breathe through this and give myself a moment.”
Once we’ve recognized and reframed the thoughts, we can start gently probing their origins.
Practice Makes Progress
When clients develop the new habits of self-compassion, mindfulness, naming their emotions, and cognitive restructuring, they’re ready to dig deeper. That means different things for different people. For some, the next step may be to begin breaking intergenerational patterns. Others may develop the courage to start communicating from a more vulnerable, authentic place. And some just want to take a closer look in the proverbial mirror to ensure they’re on the right track toward meeting their goals.
If you’ve never given therapy a try, the first step is to find a therapist and talk about what you want to accomplish together. Then, you can develop a plan to get you where you want to be.
Digging deeper takes patience and perseverance, but it’s worth it.
“They are like a person building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.” ~Luke 6:48
Photo credit: Andres Siimon on Unsplash
Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT 120259
