Being Left Out

Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

September 15, 2025

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

There are so many amazing things about living in a community - the impromptu meet-ups on a walk, the festive holiday celebrations, the pool parties, late afternoon picnics, game nights, and book clubs. There are always fun things to be a part of, and it feels good to have friends do them with - until we get left out.

As we learned in childhood, it is inevitable to be left out - remember that 6th-grade feeling when everyone was invited to the sleepover and you only found out about it the following Monday at school? Now, we don’t have to wait until Monday to hear about being left out. We just read about it on someone’s social media post the minute it happens, which only further adds insult to injury!

As adults, we may not be sad over the missed PJ party invite and logically know that there are just not enough chairs around a dinner table at times, or only so many tickets to the sporting event. But while that makes rational sense, it can hurt when the invites have been made in private, so the wound feels more like an attack, at times, than a simple mistake on the part of the host.

We can be left wondering if we did something wrong. Or, more likely, asking ourselves if something is wrong with us.

As with any type of loss, the loss of an invitation (which could mean the belief that you are not important in your friend group) provokes sadness, and that sadness can manifest as feelings of intense loneliness or insecurity. And when we feel insecure, we can begin to avoid the very people we want to be connected with. If this happens, we are actually creating a bigger issue because now we are even more sensitive to being left out.

So, how do we combat these very real and normal feelings when we are left out?

• Validate and sit with your emotions:

  • Your feelings have been hurt! It’s good to acknowledge them, feel the feelings, and know that it is normal to have these feelings.

• Give the benefit of the doubt:

  • Unless the host has told you you were not invited for whatever reason, anything you think is just that - your own thoughts and not the truth (This is called Mind Reading, and it is a cognitive distortion). Perhaps you were out of town when the invite list went out?  Perhaps there wasn’t enough space on the guest list? If this is your group of friends, there most likely is a logical reason why you weren’t included.

• Shift your narrative:

  • Do you view the world as a victim and that “bad things” always happen to you? If so, perhaps adopt a new narrative. It can sound like, “I’m sad I wasn’t invited, but I have good friends who love me, and being left out is just part of life”. That narrative shift can help change your mood and beliefs about yourself and the event.

• Make new friends:

  • At times, it may be prudent to consider who you have been breaking bread with. If you have been feeling like things have been off with your friend group, or you have been left out more often than not, consider making friends with people who share your value system and desire for friendship.

Being left out never feels good - whether we are 7 or 67. But the truth is, now that we are adults, we have the agency to choose new healthy friends if that makes sense, or let the oversight go if that feels appropriate. We are in charge of our life and are free to make our community the best it can be, whether we sometimes get left out or not!

Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

Lori T. Howard is a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can visit her profile below or find her at lorithoward.com