Wedded Bliss or What Is This?
Written by: Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT #120259
April 5, 2025
Photo by: Devon Devine on Unsplash
What would it take to think about your relationship differently? If your relationship began to improve, what would you be doing instead of what you’re doing now? Back when my husband and I got married in the early 2000s, people typically dated for some time and then got engaged (pre-engagement counseling didn’t exist). After the engagement, couples may or may not have done a few weeks of pastoral counseling with the person they’d chosen as their officiant. Fast-forward a few years later, and half of these couples were really struggling, wondering where they’d gone wrong. Some divorced. Others tried to ‘tough it out’. Still others, like us, decided to do something about it.
Imagine a Miracle
I often ask new couples to close their eyes and imagine what would happen if, while they slept, an angel came down and miraculously changed their relationship. What differences would they experience the next morning? What would each of them be thinking and doing differently? Who else would notice? That’s a really good place to start. Sometimes, we get so stuck in what’s wrong that we forget to take notice of what’s right - or what could be right with some effort.
Learning in Love
Did you know that taking a class together can mimic feelings of falling in love again? This is because dopamine gets released, causing feelings of euphoria. Along with norepinephrine, this powerful brain chemical plays a key role in the sense of excitement and ‘newness’ that couples experienced when they first met and began dating. In order to get the most out of this experience, you can look for something that’s either brand new for both of you, or you haven’t done in a while.
To grow and stay in love, the bonding hormones oxytocin and vasopressin make their appearance in the form of companionship, emotional intimacy, and friendship. We each make space in our brains for people we care about. Drs. Julie and John Gottman call this our Love Maps – it’s how you know each other’s favorite colors or your partner’s idea of a perfect Saturday. To practice this skill, you can use the free Gottman Card Decks app.
Clear Communication
Interestingly, nearly every couple who seeks counseling says that one of their main areas of concern is communication. To some, this means they’re just not seeing eye-to-eye. For others, it means they’ve shut down and stopped expressing feelings and needs. Still others cannot find the words to talk about their sex lives. Even if couples are feeling truly stuck, I make a point to teach each partner how to slow down, listen to understand, and eventually reconnect.
Stifle the Stigma
Decades ago, researchers discovered that most couples experiencing difficulties wait about six years before seeking help. Why is that? I think it hearkens back to the age-old stigma that if we seek therapy, it means that there is something inherently wrong with us. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. You wouldn’t wait six years to treat a toothache or any other ailment. The health of your relationship is just as important as your physical health. It’s not too late. Whether you’d like to find out if your relationship is marriage material, discover what commitment means, or delve into deeper intimacy, please reach out by visiting our website at www.cccsanjose.com.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind.” ~Romans 12:2a
Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT #120259
Barbara is a compassionate Associate Marriage and Family Therapist who strives to create a safe environment for you to communicate, heal, and grow. She uses an evidence-based, strengths-focused, integrative approach to help you meet your goals.
