Therapy Thoughts on Boundaries
Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
November 10, 2025
We hear about boundaries all the time - from social media posts and podcasts, to well-meaning friends over drinks and pastors on Sundays. But what, exactly, does having boundaries mean?
In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I often meet with adults who are stuck in the busyness of life and cannot seem to get themselves out of the quicksand that comprises kids’ activities, work events, family, and friendship obligations. They become preoccupied with the care and keeping of others and don’t know how to say no.
Add to the mix unhealthy relationships with partners and friends, and the belief that only you can solve any given problem at any given time.
All of this giving to others, putting up with bad behavior from others, and allowing others’ negative emotions to rule us can lead to resentment, frustration, and anger (which looks like lashing out, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or a myriad of other negative symptoms).
So what are boundaries?
Internal Boundaries are promises made to yourself about what you will or won't tolerate from yourself or others. These are also emotional boundaries.
Examples include keeping promises to yourself, being consistent with goals, and practicing healthy detachment from worries or fear
External boundaries are boundaries set with others about what you will or won't tolerate from them.
Examples include setting needs and expectations, setting time limits and holding your internal boundaries when others challenge you.
Essentially, this means that in order to meet your own needs so you can be the person you want to be, you need to set boundaries on what you are or aren’t willing to do.
It sounds so easy, right?
Wrong! Setting and keeping boundaries can be one of the hardest things we do for ourselves and for others.
Here are a few examples and concrete ways to set and keep essential boundaries in your life!
I need space to take care of myself daily. So I will not change a scheduled workout if a functioning member of my family suddenly has a “need”(I keep my promises to myself - this is an internal boundary).
If my child has forgotten they needed to pick up art supplies for a project they have known about for a month? I will not drop everything to get it for them (I CAN SAY NO - this is an external boundary).
If my child is sick and has to stay home? I will not shift my work meeting to sit with them when I can ask my spouse, who is free, to do it (using both internal and external boundaries).
If my neighbor hugs me when I don’t want to be touched? I can tell him that it makes me uncomfortable (this is communicating an external boundary).
If my friend talks about her political beliefs/her weight/other people, and it is triggering to me, I can tell her that (this is communicating an external boundary).
My INTERNAL boundaries keep me healthy because they allow me to focus on self-care so I can care for others well. My EXTERNAL boundaries keep me healthy and help OTHERS know what is okay or not okay for me.
When setting and maintaining boundaries, it is important to:
Practice self-compassion
Forgive yourself when making mistakes
Give yourself time to de-escalate before reacting
Acknowledge and respect your own limits
When we use boundaries, we are caring for ourselves and others!
Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
Lori T. Howard is a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can visit her profile below or find her at lorithoward.com
