Inviting Intimacy
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
December 1, 2023
In our society, if you say the word intimacy, the automatic assumption is it has something to do with sex. If you say the word sex, many assume you mean sexual intercourse. But what if intimacy is more than sex, and sex more than ‘insert part A into part B’?
BARRIERS TO BONDING
Always arguing can be a way for partners to subconsciously avoid the emotional intimacy that might lead to sex. Constantly blaming and bickering will drive a wedge between otherwise loving people.
Blurry boundaries with one’s family of origin (such as having your in-laws’ portrait right above your bed) can certainly mess with the ability to connect with your partner. If extended family members also live with you, it can wreak havoc on sexual spontaneity as well as create an ongoing sense of stress.
Exhausting expectations can really sap your ability to grow together. If you find yourself thinking, “You’re not the person I fell in love with”, you’re right, because most of us fell in love with an ideal. And if one has a pornography habit, this tends to alter expectations in a way that leaves both partners unsatisfied and degrades relationship quality.
Too little touch is literally bad for one’s health as it has been linked to stress, anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances. Some are uncomfortable with the vulnerability of non-sexual touch. Others weren’t raised in affectionate families. In 2020, researchers Tejada, Dunbar, and Montero found, though, that despite cultural training, people don’t merely get used to lack of human touch. In fact, couples who are touch-deprived tend to report less marital satisfaction overall.
Dissing & Dismissing are two sides of the same contemptuous coin. When your partner reaches out with a bid for connection, how do you respond? Do you turn away and look at your phone? Or worse, do you turn against your beloved by rolling your eyes or replying with some put-down?
Ignoring & Inattention are two of the best ways to erode intimacy and increase loneliness within a relationship. Most couples do not break up because of arguments. Rather they disengage, drift apart, and then divorce. If you’re not sharing your thoughts, feelings, and heartfelt desires, you’re not building your relationship; you’re tearing it down.
INCREASING INTIMACY
Start slowly. In 1997, Arthur Aron and colleagues discovered 36 questions that made even strangers feel close to one another. Engaging in reciprocal self-disclosure, revealing increasingly more personal information and then listening and validating your partner’s story can dramatically increase feelings of closeness. This free Gottman app is based on a similar principle.
Keep calm and use your power of choice. Instead of engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, choose to avoid flooding by self-soothing and asking for a time-out when needed. If you’re having difficulties validating your partner’s point-of-view, call a Gottman-trained therapist for help.
Risk rejection. There’s a saying about courage: “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. Fear of being rejected can be paralyzing. But even if there’s a standstill and both partners are afraid of being turned down, someone can take that first step, make the first move. The threat to your relationship is much greater if you don’t than the perceived threat of rejection.
Take the time to hang out with each other. If you’ve been together a while, you’ll need to keep things fresh. Anthropologist Helen Fischer found that couples who learned something new together increased levels of dopamine, mimicking feelings of being newly in love. This can be anything from taking a class together to exploring a new place.
Practicing mind over matter works outside the bedroom but not in the sack. If either of you experience pain during intercourse, switch positions, use lubrication, and if that doesn’t work, stop. Try being sexually connected in a way that doesn’t involve penetration.
The sweet spot takes plenty of practice, both inside and outside the bedroom. Keep working at it; don’t give up. It takes time to unlearn unhelpful attitudes and behaviors. But if you don’t let fear rule in your hearts, and reach out to a qualified therapist, there is hope for healing.
Photo credit: Alexander McFeron on Unsplash
