Clear Communication
Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259
June 1, 2024
Many clients come to therapy because they’re struggling with communication skills. It could be with a teen or spouse, colleague or friend, parent or sibling. Recently, I noticed that my son and I were not communicating effectively. I paused and took a deep breath then began practicing what I so often teach my clients. Within moments, his body language changed and he voluntarily came to sit down on the sofa and continue the conversation. All because I softened the way I was engaging with him.
It takes a bit of vulnerability but it’s so worth it! We can continue to keep our guard up but that never quite accomplishes what we hope. Instead of keeping us safe, it ends up just keeping us isolated, hurt, or confused. So how does one go about communicating clearly and effectively? Ironically, it all begins with feelings.
Elucidating Emotions
Sometimes when people say that they want to share their feelings about a subject, it’s rather that they want to share their thoughts, opinions, and judgments. Emotions are a bit different. According to Dr. Mark Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, “All emotions are information…”
“It’s what we do with our emotions that really matters.” Emotions come from an area in the center of our brains called the limbic system. This emotional center connects to the frontal cortex to provide data on what we value; what’s most important to us.
Narrowing Down Needs
The next step is to figure out what need is currently not being met. According to The Center for Nonviolent Communication, every human being has certain needs in common: sustenance, safety, community, empathy, rest, transcendence, challenge, autonomy, honesty, and work. Similar to a feelings chart, the Universal Human Needs wheel starts with these basics on the outer part of the wheel and then the inner sections have more nuanced words.
Journey through Journaling
I recommend journaling feelings and needs repeatedly for several days or more. Those of us who grew up not having our emotions validated or our needs prioritized may struggle with this exercise at first. Nevertheless, it is an important step before attempting to launch into meaningful conversation.
Putting Together the Parts
The recommended steps for nonviolent communication are:
STEP 1: State an observation non-judgmentally.
STEP 2: State your emotion without blame or excuse.
STEP 3: Express your underlying needs and/or values without reference to any specific person doing a certain thing. For example, you wouldn’t say, “I need you to…”
STEP 4: Make a request.
Remember: A request is not a demand; there should be no strings attached.
Aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive communication styles are neither honest nor loving. The above steps for assertive communication can help you connect with friends and loved ones in a clearer and more compassionate way. I recommend a visit to www.cnvc.org for more Nonviolent Communication resources.
Instead, speaking the truth in agapē (love, good will, benevolence), we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ~ Ephesians 4:15
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Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT 120259
