Choosing Love
Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
February 14, 2025
It’s February, the month of love! As a marriage and family therapist who has the privilege of working with couples who are mired in life’s many stressors, I often get asked how to not only keep love alive once the plane lands after the honeymoon but how to sustain and grow it over the long haul.
I have been married for almost 27 years and, along the way, have also asked myself these questions. I have read articles on the splendor of the date night and couples-only vacations. I have taken classes on attachment and been told of the importance of sharing hobbies. I have read countless books on love and how to give and receive it along with taking the Love Languages quiz. After all of the reading, consulting, pontificating and doing my own work in therapy, I have come to the realization that love is, actually, a choice.
When my children were young and my husband was climbing the corporate ladder, we didn’t have the time nor the funds for weekly date nights, and a couples-only vacation was just something I read about in steamy beach reads.
When the kids got older, I went back to work and there were graduations and college and elderly parents. Once again, I realized that the media's version of what a “good marriage” was just wasn’t my reality.
What, then, was keeping our marriage alive, and why did it seem like our relationship just kept getting better? I began to think about the elements of a “good” marriage and what makes it function well and have come up with a few thoughts.
A “good” marriage boils down to how we treat each other when life is difficult, not just when it’s great. Do we approach the relationship with respect and with kindness? Do we treat our partner like our favorite friend? Do we allow connection even in the busy moments?
What I have realized about love is that when I wake up and choose my husband, it allows me to treat him the way I would like to be treated. When I am kind, he responds with kindness. When I compliment him on his new haircut, it builds his confidence (he is adorable, by the way), and he feels adored. When he tells me how much he appreciates it when I make dinner for him, I want to do it again.
In psychological terms, we call this using positive reinforcement. When I “catch” my husband doing something that I like and tell him, it encourages him to continue that behavior, which then creates a cycle of mutual appreciation. When I focus on the positive instead of the negative, our relationship continues to deepen with mutual respect and caring.
Does it mean that every night, we have long talks about our dreams and stare rapturously into each other's eyes? No. What it means is that when life is crazy we are remembering to smile at each other, to kiss each other passionately just because we can, and to laugh at ourselves.
Every time I choose to smile when the coffee spills, instead of blame, and when I greet my husband at the door with a hug, instead of yelling from the kitchen, I am showing him my love. When Dane wants affection and I am exhausted from a long day at work, I show him I love him by snuggling up to him. It’s how we treat each other that makes our marriage a great one.
Our marriage is continuing to thrive because we promised that we would love each other with intelligence, imagination, and joy at our wedding. And somehow, we have kept those promises. 27 years ago, I loved Dane with an innocent, ethereal love, but today, I love him with a thoughtful, rich, and joyful love. For when we connect, it’s like seeing an old friend time and time again. I choose Dane daily, and by choosing him, I am choosing to continue the promise to love him that I made all those years ago. And that feels good.
Photo by Valentina Locatelli on Unsplash
Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.
