The Practice of Self-Forgiveness

Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

May 20, 2026

Photo by NADER AYMAN on Unsplash‍ ‍

I was sitting at a stoplight the other day when a memory surfaced out of nowhere, one of those moments that makes your stomach drop. I had lost my cool with a friend and said hurtful things that ultimately ended the relationship. Instantly, shame rushed in. I replayed the interaction in my mind, wishing I could rewrite it: say something kinder, choose silence, or simply walk away.

The questions came quickly: Why didn’t I handle that better? What was wrong with me?

Then I paused and reminded myself of something I often tell my clients: You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you carry it. And part of that process is learning to forgive yourself.

Self-forgiveness is not about excusing harmful behavior; it’s about transforming it. When we become trapped in cycles of shame and self-condemnation, we are not growing; we are reliving. Healing requires intention, accountability, and a willingness to move forward differently.

Often, that process unfolds in four important steps:

Responsibility
Taking ownership of your actions, without minimizing, deflecting, or blaming others, is essential. Responsibility is not harsh self-punishment; it is honest acknowledgment: I did this, and it caused harm.

Remorse
Allow yourself to feel it. Remorse is uncomfortable, but it serves a purpose. It reconnects us to our values and deepens empathy - for the person we hurt and for ourselves as imperfect human beings. Avoiding remorse tends to keep us stuck; allowing it creates the possibility for growth.

Restoration and Repair
When possible, make amends. A sincere apology can be deeply healing. But sometimes repair is not accessible. Perhaps the relationship has ended, the person is no longer available, or the timing is not right. In those moments, writing a letter you never send can still be therapeutic. What matters most is the genuine intention to repair, even if that process is internal.

Renewal
This is where self-forgiveness begins to take root. Growth means committing to doing things differently moving forward. It means practicing new responses, building healthier patterns, and aligning our actions more closely with our values. Forgiveness is rarely a one-time decision; more often, it is an ongoing practice of becoming.

The truth is, every one of us has caused harm at some point - with our words, our reactions, or even our silence. That does not make us irredeemable; it makes us human. What defines us is not the mistake itself, but what we choose to do afterward.

At 55, I sometimes find myself wondering what might have happened if my 22-year-old self had simply kept her mouth shut. Would we still be friends? It’s a question that I will never be able to answer.

But with time, I’ve come to understand that self-forgiveness is not about denying regret; it’s about making peace with the reality that we are all imperfect people learning as we go. I still miss my friend, and I still wish the argument had never happened. But I can hold that sadness while also offering compassion to the younger version of myself who did not yet know how to respond differently.

I cannot change the past, but I can forgive myself and allow the experience to shape who I’ve become.

Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

Lori T. Howard is a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss. You can visit her profile below or find her at lorithoward.com