Walking Through Grief
Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
October 1, 2024
When someone you love dies, grief becomes a constant companion. Sometimes, it is quiet and lets us rest. Other times, it is a tempest that roars in our heads. Grief changes and morphs with time, but it is there waiting in the grocery aisle when you spot her favorite cereal. Or when you turn on the tv and his favorite show is paused right where he left it. Grief doesn’t care that we still have to get up and go to work. Grief doesn’t care that we were planning to go on vacation when she died. Grief doesn’t care that the kids still need to be driven to every baseball practice. Grief just exists.
In my work as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in grief and loss, I have had the honor of walking through grief with people of all ages and I have learned a few things along the way. First and foremost, I have learned that everyone grieves differently. Some people come to sessions and weep openly the entire time. This is called mourning - or the outward expression of grief. Others carry their emotions internally and can become quite logical about their loss. This is called grief.
What I have found is that it is necessary to both grieve (what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies) and mourn (the outward expression of your grief) because we must be active participants in our grief journey in order to heal. Some may think, “I can’t continue crying because my kids will see me, and that will make them sad,” and hide their feelings from others. Others may think, “Strong people don’t cry,” and force themselves to adopt a stoic stance on their grief. Both responses hinder healing because it is not allowing the mourner to become acquainted with their pain. While no one wants to add pain to their life, by ignoring pain, it will grow and fester and make the healing process longer and more painful (like a wound that gets infected and takes longer to heal because it wasn’t properly cared for in the beginning).
While learning to navigate the new world of loss, the mourner also encounters the expectations of others and what they think their grief should look like. Unfortunately, some comments made by others are not only not helpful, but can also cause harm.
These comments can sound like:
“At least they're in a better place"
"You should be over it by now"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Be strong"
"I know how you feel"
"You can always have another child"
“It was God's plan”
“At least they lived a long life”
“Time heals all wounds”
Anything that minimizes their pain, tries to rush their grief, or offers unsolicited advice about how they should feel or behave should be avoided.
Helpful comments made to someone who has lost a loved one are simple expressions of empathy.
Things that can be said when others are grieving can be:
“I’m sorry for your loss”
“I’m here for you”
“It’s okay to be sad”
“It’s normal to be angry/sad/frustrated”
Just listen actively: Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply be present and let them share their emotions without trying to fix anything.
Offer practical support: "Can I bring you a meal?" or "Would you like me to help with errands?"
Ultimately, what you do matters more than what you say. If you offer to make a meal, then make it. If you offer to take the kids to their after school sports, then show up on time. It’s your actions that speak louder than your words. It lets the mourner know that they are not alone in their grief.
Oftentimes, clients will ask me how long the grief journey takes. Unfortunately, there is no timeline for grief. I do give clients an idea about setting realistic expectations for their grief which are:
Grief takes longer than most people think
Grief takes more energy than most people can imagine
Grief shows up in all the spheres of our life: emotional, social, physical and spiritual
Grief is not only for the person who has died, but for the hopes, dreams, unfulfilled expectations and unmet needs
Family members cannot always provide the support one expects and their grief process may be very different
Ultimately, how someone navigates their grief process is wholly unique to who they are. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But, to grieve in a healthy way requires the acceptance of the loss, which is made easier when those around the one who has lost their loved one can show up in words and actions that support them and their experience.
Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074
Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in traumatic grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.