Written by: Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

November 1, 2024

The holidays are here, and with them comes excitement, joy, celebration, and also, for some, deep sadness.  When someone you love has died, navigating the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. It is during the holidays that many people have created and follow long held traditions that seemingly only certain people can fill.  Dad always dressed up as Santa. Mom always made latkes and lit the Menorah. Grandpa always read the Christmas story. Without these people, it may seem like ‘what’s the point’? Along with missing our loved one and not wanting to engage if they are not present, we may be filled with guilt over wanting to engage in some sort of merriment. We may ask ourselves if we are allowed to laugh, enjoy, and engage with the world around us.

When we have experienced loss we can also feel lost - especially over the holidays. First and foremost take the time you need to feel all the feelings you have surrounding the loss. They are all normal.  Grief is exhausting, and giving yourself permission to rest, process, and take the space you need is the most important thing.

Here are some strategies to use when you are grieving through the holidays:

1. Set boundaries -

   • Ask yourself which events you want to attend and which ones you don’t, and honor your decisions.

2. Honor old Traditions and be open to making new ones -

   • Did you always get your Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving?  Did you always attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve?  Did you always light a candle every night of Hanukkah?  If it still feels right to continue these traditions, then do it. Being open to new traditions can also help ease your way into your new reality.

   • Some ideas are:

     • Set a place for your loved one at the table and place a picture there

     • Make your loved one’s favorite dish

     • Light a memorial candle for your loved one

     • Gift Wrap a box with an opening in the top for others to share their written memories and open it together.

     • Buy a gift the person would have liked to have and donate it to charity

     • Volunteer - sometimes, helping others can help us process our own pain

3. Ask for help -

   • Even when it is hard to do. Allow others to bring you meals, help with car pool and even decorate or wrap presents. Grief is time consuming and having others help is a gift. 

4. Don’t let other people determine what you should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling -

   • You get to choose your path through grief. This is your personal process and no one can tell you how to do it differently.

Often people wonder how they can support those who are grieving during the holidays. Some ways to support them are:

1. Talk about the person who has died

   • It can be tempting to avoid talking about the person who has died because you don’t want your loved one to be sad. But they are already sad. They miss their loved one and by asking about their grief, you are helping them process it

2. Be supportive of the grieving person and check in often

3. Be open to show up for them so they don’t have to endure gatherings alone

And remember, there is no set timeline for grief. So allow your loved one to be sad for as long as they need.

Grief is always exhausting, but during the holidays it can be even more apparent. Give yourself grace to navigate this time in your own way and remember that by using strategies to help cope with this new reality you can embrace the beautiful memories that you have in a healthy way.

Photo by Davidson Luna on Unsplash

Lori Howard, MA, LMFT #126074

Lori T. Howard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in traumatic grief and loss. You can reach her by visiting her profile below or through her website: Lorithoward.com.