Written by: Barbara Jandu, M.A., AMFT 120259

July 1, 2024

If you were asked to identify yourself, how would you respond? A soldier might give name, rank, and serial number. A physician may name a series of credentials or specialties. Those of faith may identify as a certain religion, denomination, or sect.

Who are you? How do you identify? Is it your job position, title, ethnicity, or gender? Is it your surname, sports team, or hometown?

Some of us grew up in circumstances in which we were mocked for everything from our face to our faith. We believed the things others told us about ourselves. We bought the lies about our true identity.

Who do you say you are? Is it what your inner critic tells you? Is it the voice of someone you were or are trying to impress? Is it the voice of someone who bullied you, put you down, or spoke harshly to you?

Sometimes people come to therapy because they are having an identity crisis or are trying to understand various aspects of themselves. Other times, people seek help because they have internalized negative false messages about who they are or what they can do.

So many times, when we are experiencing stressors in our lives, we try to attack the stressor rather than girding ourselves up from within. This is often because we haven’t yet properly eradicated our false beliefs. It’s like replaying an old vinyl record, cassette tape, or CD over and over again in our minds. The old messages need to be replaced. Our brains need a serious upgrade! So what can we do?

Interventions such as Brainspotting, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) work in such a way as to help a person identify negative core beliefs that are false. Then, clients are assisted in replacing those old messages with a positive, preferred, and factual belief about themselves.

For example, if I grew up to believe I am ‘not good enough’, that’s a negative core belief. It’s not true. It’s not who I was created to be. Believing that lie about myself may lead me to act in certain ways that are unhelpful to myself or others. I may be defensive, hypervigilant, angry, or shutdown. I must do the work in therapy to replace that lie with something more adaptive. My positive preferred belief may be something along the lines of ‘I am valuable regardless’ or ‘I have intrinsic worth’. If I truly espouse this new sense of identity, it will have the opposite effect on my life. I will approach challenges, ambiguity, and relationships with a more secure sense of self.

In a similar way, Rusty Rustenbach in his book Listening and Inner Healing Prayer: Meeting God in the Broken Places, walks readers through a simple but powerful process that helps a person overcome habits of believing lies and in turn - to embrace the truth. Another helpful book is Living Fearless: Exchanging the Lies of the World for the Liberating Truth of God in which author Jamie Winship gently challenges the reader to really ponder the meaning of identity.

No matter what faith tradition you practice or if you don’t practice at all, I believe the truth is that you were created in the image of God and deserve to be seen, loved, and understood.

If you have been settling for the lies you were trained to believe, now may be the time to re-evaluate and begin to learn, perhaps with help, to see yourself clearly and embrace your true identity.

“I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, and

my soul knows that very well.” ~Psalm 139:14

Photo credit: Lorenz Lippert on Unsplash

Barbara Jandu, MA, AMFT 120259